SHITTING ON MY LIFE

Sometimes people are jealous of how amazing I am. Skaters gonna skate and haters gonna hate.


Whores.

CHEATING

Charlie Sheen: Denise Richards

Bill Clinton: Duh (understandable though) 

Ethan Hawke: Uma Thurman (never even heard of this guy)

Jesse James: Sandra Bullock (wtf was he thinking)

Jude Law: Sienna Miller

Tiger Woods: Elin (it's okay though because he's an addict)

What do all these men have in common? None of them are gingers.

Tools.

THE BEST FIRST DATE EVER

Doing mad libs and watching the super moon. And maybe some spooning. Maybe.

DOUBLE CHINS

Double chins are the new black. If you don't have one you need to lay off the vegetables. Duh. 

'

HICKIES

Scarfs don't always do the trick. Instead, I recommend getting one of those neck braces and pretending to be paralyzed for the week.

WAITING TILL MARRIAGE

Being a born-again virgin is super easy.

PINK EYE

When a nasty boy farts on your pillow, you get pink eye. The moral of this story is don't use pillows.

update: IT HURTS SO BADLY

IT SMELLED LIKE ODWALLA

After you eat a lot of Odwalla bars like my whore of a friend does, when you shit it smells like Odwalla. Holla!